Not realising the extent of the damage, after a few minutes of iceage, I sat in a sink full of ice :P then i decided to continue performing. Body burning on the bar was how i began. Loving the music, loving the crowd, even doing the splits.....adrenaline covered the pain i should have been feeling. The only feeling i felt was my blocked ears... could this be the pain gently whispering to me????? Who knows..... i ignored it anyway.
Realising i couldn't drive all the way home, i drove back to my friend's, had a really yummy brekkie then fell asleep. It all went down hill from the moment i woke up.....
Suddenly i could feel the excruciating pain and yet i thought the best idea would be to stretch it out as i knew i had to perform at a kids party later on that day. So i stretched my body in every way i could think of (as I thought the pain was just a cramp) ending in the splits then deliberating whether to start driving home. The screams that came out of me from this moment on may have sounded to the neighbours like i was having the time of my life..... ooer..... i wasn't!!!!! The pain was unbearable so this is when the ambulance was summoned. They asked what happened.....i said i fell off the swing, they thought i was a 4yr old girl. I let them think this so they came quicker.....:P
As they arrived, they were approached by a half-naked 22yr old covered in soot with a fur coat draped over her shoulders..... i looked like a homeless russian prostitute.....hmmmmm the next obstacle came when they asked me to lie down in the ambulance. My screams made them realise i couldn't do this without being extremely high on gas & air!!!!! This is when the fun began. I giggled as i lay down, i giggled as i continued to lay there, i giggled as they quizzed me on what happened, i giggled as they quizzed me on my occupation, i just giggled.....
The fun continued at St. Mary's Hospital as i entertained the staff..... (no surprises there!!!!!) The first lovely doctor came in to examine my pain. As it was my bum cheek that was damaged, he needed a female supervisor present!! :/ As he prodded my butt cheeks, I screamed in pain; then he prodded my hip bones and on asking "how does that feel?" i replied... "it feels really nice...i'm quite enjoying it" everyone soon realised the female supervisor was there to supervise me and not him.....oopsie!!!!! The doctor was horrified at how much pain I must be in, he asked 'Are you good with pain?????' I replied 'I LOVE IT!!!!!' :P The laughter didn't end there.....my mum asked the doctor if my "cockpit" was ok..... he had to leave the room in fits of laughter and went to tell the whole ward. English is not my mothers native tongue, she used to get kitchen mixed up with chicken now apparently your coccyx is called a cockpit!!!!! Oh mummy i love u!!!!! Giggles radiated around the hospital and my mother and i continued to cry with laughter. Upon his return, he informed me i needed several x-rays..... my laughter stopped!!!!! A break in my body equalled a break in my work schedule; equalling my worst nightmare!!!!! Time for more gas & air.....:O
As i was wheeled to my x-ray, i sobbed profusely into my pillow. My eye make up made a beautiful purple and black painting of a smiling poodle. I continued to sob; not from the pain of getting into the right positions for the x-ray, not from the extremely patronising nurse and doctor that continued to flirt and joke as i sobbed but from the thought of never being able to dance again. X-ray done, i awaited the results.....time for more gas & air!!!! :D Then the curtains opened and i may have been high from the gas & air but it felt like an angel entered, an angel by the name of Phil..... my surgeon.
He informed me due to the J-Lo size of my right bum cheek, they needed to remove some of the blood. This minor operation felt like what i believed lipo-suction would feel like. Luckily, the lovely nurse talked to me through out about my crazy fire skills and my aim for Hollywood. Only managing to remover 3ml of blood, the angelic Phil told me the next step was an ultra sound..... i felt like my right bum cheek was pregnant. Since the A&E had had enough of my entertainment, i was transported to the "C.I.A"....wait a minute thats not what its called is it????? :S Apparently, its the C.D.U - I have decided this is the purgatory of hospitals.....Where they take you when they don't know what to do with u. They asked if i wanted to be put in a room that was closer, but i'd be surrounded by men or to go to the women's ward which was further away..... i said i much prefer men thank you. :P!!!!! Before i attempted to get on a new bed, i thought this would be a good time to attempt to pee; next thing i know, i'm lying on the cold floor..... apparently i fainted!!!!! From the pain or for the love of my angel Dr. Phil????? who knows????? I started to get up..... so near to the toilet but so far. Next thing i know i'm lying on the cold floor again!!!!! :S The nurse asked "How desperate are you to go to the toilet?"...and i responded... "Sweet heart.....not desperate enough!!!!!" With a lot more gas & air and a cup full of pain killers, i managed to make it onto the new bed. Time for my ultra sound..... what will i see in that glorious right butt cheek of mine?????
As they put the cold jelly on my arse, it all felt rather surreal staring at the screen looking at blood clots which could have well been numerous foetuses... Now back to my boudoir in the men's ward!!!!! :D Operation-Try-To-Pee part deux..... made it onto my feet, i held on to my mother's arms, felt a little dizzy but really thought i was gonna make it, couldn't lift my legs due to the pain so i decided to shunt on one foot, wiggled my foot to slide across the floor this made me and my company giggled lots.....next thing I know I'm on the cold floor again with feet surrounding me..... apparently i fainted twice again. I don't remember the in-between. Guess what????? I never managed to do that pee.... :(
They decided that a combination of the pain and lack of food made me faint so many times, so they gave me a cup full of pain-killers and a 'simply ham' sandwich...mmmmm yummy.... NOT!!!!!!! I managed a mouthful and then the doctor examined me to see if i could be dispatched. After knocking around my body with a hammer, and checking several nerve endings, dispatch time was granted!!!!! Hooray.....
Just the minor probleymo of how do i get in the car when i can't even sit on my arse????? 'I know'...... i'll fly in head first like a super hero!!!!! This is what i did ..... lying across the back seat i passed out and the next thing i know, i'm home!!!!
Then i was fed some 'Wurst', I put on some Gossip Girl and managed to sleep for the rest of the night. The doctors said I wouldn't be able to sleep due the excruciating pain.....but I am one brave bitch and slept right through it!!!!! The whole notion of sleeping is unfamiliar to me but I guess my body needed it!!!!! I woke up and decided i wanted to take photos of my bruised bum cheek..... To my amazement, the bruise upside down looked like Marilyn Monroe!!!!! A sign????? Hollywood here I cometh.....
<3 <3 <3
ReplyDelete