The power of NOW :D

So many of us let our past rule our future.....
I know I have.....we become angry at those who hurt us yet if we just let it go and forgive we can build for a better future and learn from it. Yet if we continue to be angry, they are continuing to hurt us and damaging our future.....
I have been in a lot of pain in the last few months, being angry at the way I have been treated and I've let it effect my present by living and wallowing in this previous torment.....yet I've now realised that if I keep dwelling, I'll bring more pain, hurt and anger into my life and certainly won't make for a better future!!!!! So those who have hurt me, I forgive you, I almost understand (certainly don't condone it but I understand) why you did what you did and I've accepted and moved on..... People hurt you because they are hurting themselves, so don't be angry at them, hope for them to find true happiness and learn from the damage they have done.

Everything happens for a reason in which case we mustn't let anything upset us.
Every battle we face makes us stronger and changes us in a way that's meant to be!!!!!
Now that I am slowly but surely releasing this anger and heartache, I can feel myself becoming happier than I have ever been!!!!! :D
You have to live in the now, the present is the only thing you can control and if you enjoy every moment then there is no doubt you will have an amazing life.

I was in such a bad place that I found myself unable to appreciate what I actually have!!!!! I was dwelling on how I was mistreated and what I hadn't yet achieved!!!!! I was feeling sorry for myself, when I should be smiling at the fact that I am no longer being treated this way and I have achieved a lot so far and if I keep working hard and believing I can achieve everything I want and more!!!!!
The key is to forgive everyone that has hurt you.....no matter how badly they treated you.....you don't even need to ring them up or go and see them and say 'I forgive you even though you are pure evil!!!!!' Haha just deep inside forgive them and let it go!!!!! Otherwise the anger and the pain you are feeling, will eat you up, make you ill and stunt your progress to a better life.
Learn from the pain they caused you and promise yourself that you will never treat anyone that way.....

In primary school I was taught 'love others as you love yourself, treat others the way you wish to be treated' and this is so true and has continued to be my motto!!!!!
You will find true happiness if you are good to others, as every good deed you do, will eventually be rewarded!!!!! So don't get road rage, let that driver pull in front of you..... Don't get angry in a shop when the shop assistant if really slow, 'don't worry love I am not in a hurry', smile at strangers, help the girl struggling with her giant suitcase up all the stairs at the tube station (me on saturday :D) don't huff behind her because she is taking too long and give money to buskers, the homeless and buy the big issue!!!!!
Trust me, you'll get your good karma!!!!!
You will find true happiness :D just remember, it comes from within.....

Should Secrets Stay Secret?!

Secrets.....everybody has them.....just noone talks about them, that's why they are secret!!!!!
Being a scorpio we are naturally secretive.....and great at keeping other peoples secrets, so feel free to divulge :D throw me some?!
I'm pretty secretive, I keep a lot to myself, my mother taught me this is the best way so I have always carried a little (or perhaps rather big now) cubby hole in my brain for storage.....
Although often when writing songs, my secrets get exposed without my control, the next thing I know they are out in the open, I'm singing them to big audiences.....but are they really listening?! Is the message clear?!? I hope so because songwriting is my biggest outlet and I get to let it all out with out freaking out that I have let it all out, does that make sense?! Offering my deepest darkest secrets to the world, well, eventually when my music meets the masses.....And I've got a big secret, never to have been exposed, (hmmmmm perhaps it is out there in song) that I've resently told someone..... I really thought letting it out, saying it allowed, admitting it to myself as well as them would make me feel amazing. I mean, it is a big step, a leap if you will and one that took me a looooong time to master.....
Yet after all that, I am not sure I feel better, I almost regret letting it out. Speaking it, made it all the more real..... When it was my little secret, it could be ignored, denied, brushed under the carpet, locked away in my cubby hole, yet now it is out there, it has been released!!!!! Its real its come alive and I'm scared, I should have kept it under wraps,,,,,
Now I have no choice but to tackle it, the time is now, am I ready?! I don't have a choice really!!!!!
Its time to become like my dear friend Sebastian Horsley 'he had so many secret, none of them secret' set the secrets free, lifes to short to run and hide, embrace, rejoice and be true, be you..... Be free

I'm not going to change.....

2011 was the most dramatic year of my life.....I am not going to be ungrateful.....many AMAZING things happened but also many traumatic.....I won't go into detail and play my violin, but it was a whirlwind, I feel like I went through a lifetime of experiences in one year.....it was indeed a rollercoaster and it truly effected me and made me change my outlook of life.....this was wrong.....I have only just discovered.....
I came into 2012 angry.....so much anger of what I had been through was bursting out of me.....I was angry at everyone, even my loved ones, I was angry at the world!!!!!
I felt, I have been a happy, lovely person my whole life, trying my hardest to never upset a soul.....yet still all these terrible things were happening to me.....I felt people were taking advantage of my goodness.....So I began to think maybe I should stop being so nice, if no one else is making an effort to be kind, why should I?!
After tonight, I now know to change myself would be not only wrong but foolish.....It would be me giving in.....by becoming one of them, not only would this not be true to myself, it would be giving in......
If you are looking for true happiness, be kind to others and picture in your mind exactly what you are looking for, and eventually you will get it, happiness will come.....
And in turn others will see how amazingly happy you have become just by being kind and true to yourself and they will follow and eventually, I hope, we can make this world a better place, a more liveable world, full of happiness and joy.....not full of pain and anger.....
Lets all try, shall we?????

Dry your eyes mate.....

Blogging.....that's a interesting one isn't it?!?!? See I love a good tweet, thoroughly enjoy telling the world how I'm feeling, what's on my mind and what I'm up to :D but a blog?! A full on essay about me?! And my life?!? :O see that freaks the f*ck out of me.....but a fear is no longer a fear once you face it!!!!! So here I go.....a blog, about me and my life!!!!! Argh!!!!!


The last time I wrote a blog I had just fallen off a twelve foot trapeze, had got myself a third bum cheek and was bed ridden, so had plenty of time and plenty to talk about but now I'm gonna throw myself in the deep end *splash*


I Hate to begin negatively, but I currently have tears streaming down my face.....do you ever get that????? A complete random explosion of salty water down your face and you don't really know why?! Well I am having that right this minute..... I am trying my utmost to pinpoint why I am crying, but I can't, perhaps sometimes you just have to feel your feelings rather than analyse them?! Really feel the emotion and something truly magical happens, try it?! Just let yourself go.....really feel your feelings.....clear your mind.....


So I'm feeling my feelings and my tears have stopped.....I'm all dried out.....

Still haven't come to any conclusion on what caused the tears, but the greatest thing I did was truly feel the emotion and give myself time, just a moment to be completely absorbed in my tears and now they've gone.....they may be back in an hour.....but right now, I feel clear.....I've dried my eyes mate.....

The bruise on my right bum cheek looks like Marilyn Monroe.....:O

The air was thick and the crowd loving it... there i was swinging 10 feet in the air loving every minute of it, spinning around, swinging upside down. Realising the too excitable crowd was too close for comfort i made the rash decision to get down as quickly as possible. As i attempted to grab on the bar and release my legs, my legs continued to release and my hands slipped.....i was falling..... i smacked my right bum cheek on the metal railing and somehow managed to land on my feet like a cat. How i didn't land on my head, i will never know as i was upside down when my fall began. Magic????? I remember thinking of my babcia (my grandma) when it happened.... perhaps she saved me????? if only she saved my right bum cheek aswell.....

Not realising the extent of the damage, after a few minutes of iceage, I sat in a sink full of ice :P then i decided to continue performing. Body burning on the bar was how i began. Loving the music, loving the crowd, even doing the splits.....adrenaline covered the pain i should have been feeling. The only feeling i felt was my blocked ears... could this be the pain gently whispering to me????? Who knows..... i ignored it anyway.

Realising i couldn't drive all the way home, i drove back to my friend's, had a really yummy brekkie then fell asleep. It all went down hill from the moment i woke up.....

Suddenly i could feel the excruciating pain and yet i thought the best idea would be to stretch it out as i knew i had to perform at a kids party later on that day. So i stretched my body in every way i could think of (as I thought the pain was just a cramp) ending in the splits then deliberating whether to start driving home. The screams that came out of me from this moment on may have sounded to the neighbours like i was having the time of my life..... ooer..... i wasn't!!!!! The pain was unbearable so this is when the ambulance was summoned. They asked what happened.....i said i fell off the swing, they thought i was a 4yr old girl. I let them think this so they came quicker.....:P

As they arrived, they were approached by a half-naked 22yr old covered in soot with a fur coat draped over her shoulders..... i looked like a homeless russian prostitute.....hmmmmm the next obstacle came when they asked me to lie down in the ambulance. My screams made them realise i couldn't do this without being extremely high on gas & air!!!!! This is when the fun began. I giggled as i lay down, i giggled as i continued to lay there, i giggled as they quizzed me on what happened, i giggled as they quizzed me on my occupation, i just giggled.....

The fun continued at St. Mary's Hospital as i entertained the staff..... (no surprises there!!!!!) The first lovely doctor came in to examine my pain. As it was my bum cheek that was damaged, he needed a female supervisor present!! :/ As he prodded my butt cheeks, I screamed in pain; then he prodded my hip bones and on asking "how does that feel?" i replied... "it feels really nice...i'm quite enjoying it" everyone soon realised the female supervisor was there to supervise me and not him.....oopsie!!!!! The doctor was horrified at how much pain I must be in, he asked 'Are you good with pain?????' I replied 'I LOVE IT!!!!!' :P The laughter didn't end there.....my mum asked the doctor if my "cockpit" was ok..... he had to leave the room in fits of laughter and went to tell the whole ward. English is not my mothers native tongue, she used to get kitchen mixed up with chicken now apparently your coccyx is called a cockpit!!!!! Oh mummy i love u!!!!! Giggles radiated around the hospital and my mother and i continued to cry with laughter. Upon his return, he informed me i needed several x-rays..... my laughter stopped!!!!! A break in my body equalled a break in my work schedule; equalling my worst nightmare!!!!! Time for more gas & air.....:O

As i was wheeled to my x-ray, i sobbed profusely into my pillow. My eye make up made a beautiful purple and black painting of a smiling poodle. I continued to sob; not from the pain of getting into the right positions for the x-ray, not from the extremely patronising nurse and doctor that continued to flirt and joke as i sobbed but from the thought of never being able to dance again. X-ray done, i awaited the results.....time for more gas & air!!!! :D Then the curtains opened and i may have been high from the gas & air but it felt like an angel entered, an angel by the name of Phil..... my surgeon.

He informed me due to the J-Lo size of my right bum cheek, they needed to remove some of the blood. This minor operation felt like what i believed lipo-suction would feel like. Luckily, the lovely nurse talked to me through out about my crazy fire skills and my aim for Hollywood. Only managing to remover 3ml of blood, the angelic Phil told me the next step was an ultra sound..... i felt like my right bum cheek was pregnant. Since the A&E had had enough of my entertainment, i was transported to the "C.I.A"....wait a minute thats not what its called is it????? :S Apparently, its the C.D.U - I have decided this is the purgatory of hospitals.....Where they take you when they don't know what to do with u. They asked if i wanted to be put in a room that was closer, but i'd be surrounded by men or to go to the women's ward which was further away..... i said i much prefer men thank you. :P!!!!! Before i attempted to get on a new bed, i thought this would be a good time to attempt to pee; next thing i know, i'm lying on the cold floor..... apparently i fainted!!!!! From the pain or for the love of my angel Dr. Phil????? who knows????? I started to get up..... so near to the toilet but so far. Next thing i know i'm lying on the cold floor again!!!!! :S The nurse asked "How desperate are you to go to the toilet?"...and i responded... "Sweet heart.....not desperate enough!!!!!" With a lot more gas & air and a cup full of pain killers, i managed to make it onto the new bed. Time for my ultra sound..... what will i see in that glorious right butt cheek of mine?????

As they put the cold jelly on my arse, it all felt rather surreal staring at the screen looking at blood clots which could have well been numerous foetuses... Now back to my boudoir in the men's ward!!!!! :D Operation-Try-To-Pee part deux..... made it onto my feet, i held on to my mother's arms, felt a little dizzy  but really thought i was gonna make it, couldn't lift my legs due to the pain so i decided to shunt on one foot, wiggled my foot to slide across the floor this made me and my company giggled lots.....next thing I know I'm on the cold floor again with feet surrounding me..... apparently i fainted twice again. I don't remember the in-between. Guess what????? I never managed to do that pee.... :(

They decided that a combination of the pain and lack of food made me faint so many times, so they gave me a cup full of pain-killers and a 'simply ham' sandwich...mmmmm yummy.... NOT!!!!!!! I managed a mouthful and then the doctor examined me to see if i could be dispatched. After knocking around my body with a hammer, and checking several nerve endings, dispatch time was granted!!!!! Hooray.....

Just the minor probleymo of how do i get in the car when i can't even sit on my arse????? 'I know'...... i'll fly in head first like a super hero!!!!! This is what i did ..... lying across the back seat i passed out and the next thing i know, i'm home!!!!

Then i was fed some 'Wurst', I put on some Gossip Girl and managed to sleep for the rest of the night. The doctors said I wouldn't be able to sleep due the excruciating pain.....but I am one brave bitch and slept right through it!!!!! The whole notion of sleeping is unfamiliar to me but I guess my body needed it!!!!! I woke up and decided i wanted to take photos of my bruised bum cheek..... To my amazement, the bruise upside down looked like Marilyn Monroe!!!!! A sign????? Hollywood here I cometh.....

Wanna know what i have in my knickers right now????????????? CABBAGE!!!!!!!! My mother said this will heal me. I'll let you know. Goodbye for now, and i will keep you posted on what face appears on my arse next!!!!! :P xxxxx